Moving My Life- Again

Tuesday, February 1st, 2011 by a former foster child

No time to say goodbye to those who know me
And to those whom I got to know,
Those half friendships yet unmade,
And those I disliked, for silly reasons now I see.

Farewell to my cosy sunken damp bed,
Where I slept safe and warm at night, without fear.
It took time to settle down, for my nightmares to flee,
To rest my weary body and soul, my dreams now all packed away.

The sink where I washed my days away,
Daily life, face paint and red mud from the ditch in the field where I played.
Farewell to the mirror where I caught sight of my small weird face,
The one I was just getting to know - as me.

To smell those custard creams; the perfume of my carer;
Smell of trees blowing in the winter’s wind;
The ancient woods where I scrambled with the few friends found.
Stray dogs, unfettered horses,
Loners and local traveller kids, befriending me willingly
They even knew my name! I just know they’ll miss me.

How will I cope with no safe hiding place?
Those red shiny shoes I had for my birthday,
The lovely old neighbour who cuddles me tight when I visit.
I’ll miss each of the colourful berries we picked in her garden,
The ones we made great tasting jam with. And her delicious crumbly scones!!

To lose my mighty trees - they took all my time to conquer.
Never again to sit high in my big friend’s branches,
Leaning on the arms that held me safely in my lost free hours.
These same trees sheltered me from cruel and mean weathers.
I refuse to forget them; like a true family they’re imprinted on my mind forever!

Sight of the stars from my cold bedroom window at night.
The long tiring walks to school - still half asleep.
The corner shop. The noisy smelly traffic. I’ll miss it all.
The library, those magical stories, grumpy staff telling me off for being late.
My doctor, the Asian gentleman who makes me laugh with his jokes.
The skinny dentist who looks after the teeth in my head.

The neighbours, their always lost cats, the postman,
The bread-man, milk man, the veg man, I’ll miss them all.
I wonder if this is like dying, but staying alive at the same time?
My world blown into a thousand fragments - but somehow I managed to survive!

Will you forget me when I’m gone?
Know where I’m gone to? Keep me in your mind forever?
Will you replace me with another one shy and quiet like me?
Will I understand their accent? Will they make fun of mine?
Will all I’ve ever learnt be rubbished and have to start again, like last time?
Will they laugh at me for being new?

Ask all those questions, again, about a past I don’t remember? - one I never chose to have.
Will they say, “This is the best place for you, isn’t it?”- yet again!
Who is going to collect me? Who is going to catch me? What if I can’t stop crying?
Was I ever a baby with a nappy ? Nobody knows. Nobody was there to know with me.
Where can I cry without anyone seeing? How will I manage my hurt and my loss?
Will I be safe? More importantly, will I find another tree?
Will I make a friend? Will I ever belong?
Will anyone ever want me?  Will someone ever get to know ME?

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