Sociopath Fathers : The ‘Charming’ Killers
Wednesday, July 1st, 2009 by Charles PragnellThis article has been composed largely from my professional experiences over many years in child protection work and child/family advocacy, from the contributions of professional colleagues, and from the personal testimonies of mothers and children who have been subjected to domestic violence and abuse.
The sociopath is referred to in psychiatric terms as having Antisocial Personality Disorder, which is characterised by an individual’s common disregard for social rules, norms, and cultural codes, as well as impulsive behaviour and a complete indifference to the rights and feelings of others. This condition is included in the American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual and in the World Health Organisation’s ICD10.
However, the problems presented by the sociopath tend to be mostly social problems rather than symptoms of mental illness or criminal behaviours, although these are not excluded in some sociopaths. It is estimated that 3% of the male population are sociopaths and they inhabit all walks of life, from business and commerce where their ruthlessness can make them highly successful, in politics where their absence of empathy can enable them to be elective autocrats with a capacity for corruption and callousness, in organised crime often involving drug dealing, and in many other professions.
What Sociopaths are Like
They view the rules and expectations of society regarding acceptable behaviours as inconvenient and unreasonable and impediments to their inclinations and intentions. They are extremely adept at ‘sailing close to the wind’ in avoiding lawbreaking or detection if they do break the law. Although the sociopath is extremely adept at evading detection for criminal behaviour, studies have shown that 47% have a significant arrest record and it is reasonably estimated that up to 25% of the prison population have sociopathic traits.
Sociopaths can be identified in adolescence or even earlier. Children who regularly engage in arson, vandalism, consistent lying, theft, aggression towards others, and the torturing of animals are showing the early tendencies and signs of sociopathy and they are indifferent to parental punishment and pain. “It doesn’t hurt” is often their response and this truly reflects their response and it is accompanied by an absence of any form of remorse for their behaviours.
They are self-centred, narcissistic individuals who are impulsive, manipulative, and consistently untruthful. As sociopaths grow into adulthood they often engage in alcohol and drug abuse and this serves to exacerbate their behaviours and conduct towards others, and they can show extreme violence towards others when under the influence of alcohol or drugs, yet blame the drink or drugs for their actions. They tend to disregard driving laws and requirements for vehicle registration and insurance as of no consequence. They also engage in violence towards their partner in a relationship and on occasions towards their children as they know their offences will be difficult to detect and prosecute.
Jekyll and Hyde
Yet despite such behaviours, the sociopath adopts an alter ego when with significant others. They are extremely charming, of a calm and collected disposition, and very plausible and persuasive. They can have a group of close friends and even neighbours who consider them to be very friendly and a ‘good bloke’ and will be well thought of at the local pub or club. Such friends and associates find it difficult to believe that such a person could possibly be violent towards a partner or their children. This ‘Jekyll and Hyde’ personality is often referred to by professionals and by partners who have experienced the violence.
In cases of partner violence or child abuse, this dual personality is often clearly apparent and the plausible, manipulative personality enables them to persuade gullible Court officials, lawyers and even Judges, that they are innocent of the abusive behaviours alleged by their children or the violence alleged by the former partner. The sociopath father can be extremely adept at ‘playing victim’ in court processes, accusing the mother of obsessive concerns for a sick child or of actually making the child ill (Fabricated and Induced Illness in Children), or of not ensuring that the child engages in a ‘meaningful’ relationship with the father, when in fact the child has protested loudly that s/he does not want any contact.
The use of Parental Alienation Syndrome has proved to be a highly effective tool for sociopaths to use in disputed court proceedings regarding the custody and contact with children, as they can so readily engage in deception and fabrication, distortion and embellishment of facts regarding events and actions. They are adept at attracting the sympathy of Court officials and lawyers and using them to gain what they see as their rights. Some sociopaths also appear to have infiltrated the Father’s Rights Groups in some countries, where they have been able to bring influence to further enable their domination and control over females.
The sociopath is an emotional shell, with no capacity to feel the pain of others and words only have meaning in so far as they persuade and manipulate others to the sociopath’s views. Feelings and emotions are non-existent but the sociopath is often able to cleverly mimic such emotions when needed and in ways which will deceive the observer into believing they are true emotions.
The Victims’ View
Protective mothers and partners who have experienced domestic violence have frequently described the onset of such attacks. “I see it in his eyes”, they say. It is beyond hatred and is a ‘demonic stare’. “I know then that I’m in for a beating”. Violent attacks are often followed by pleas of forgiveness which have the appearance of remorse and regret, although the sociopath does not take responsibility for his conduct but blames anything or anyone he can. “It was the drink”, he says or even blames his victim for behaving in a particular way.
In early courtship, female partners have been persuaded by the charming person in the sociopath and only rarely have they seen the violent potential. However, they soon experienced the possessiveness and jealousy of the sociopath and unfounded accusations of infidelity.
The goal of the sociopath father is to attain complete domination and control over his female partner and his means are to create fear, isolation, and total dependency. He seeks to take total control over his victim and will use any means possible to do so. Critical and abusive words and actions are the most common means. Then he isolates his victim from her family and friends and uses financial controls to limit her movements and decrease her self esteem. He systematically destroys her feelings of self-worth, dignity, and security.
If his female victim threatens to leave him, he will often threaten to kill her and their children if she were to do so, and warns her that she will never be safe for the rest of her life. This gives him an immense hold over his female partner but eventually the situation becomes so intolerable, she finally escapes.
A Young Mother Writes
“I was 21 years old and a free spirit when I first met John. He was handsome, well spoken, and very charming and soon after our first date, our relationship became serious and we were inseparable. I was oblivious to the red flags that were coming my way because he made me feel good and he was good at mind games - controlling my movements, jealous over past lovers and any other man I was acquainted with.
“He slowly began to strip me of my self-esteem, telling me my clothes were too revealing, that my make-up was done to impress other men rather than him. He’d suddenly stop the car and scream and shout at me and spit in my face, testing for my reactions and saying it was all my fault, never his. However, I stayed with him because I loved him and believed I could help him to change his behaviours. The physical violence began a week after he moved in with me. It started as a slap followed by gushing apologies and promises that it would never happen again.
“Then it began occurring more regularly and I was slapped, punched, bitten, strangled to the point of unconsciousness, spat on, pinched, kicked, yelled at, and chased around the streets. But all this was done behind closed doors or away from our neighbourhood because John wanted to be seen as a ‘nice guy’ by his friends and our neighbours. He made me cut all ties with my family and friends back home, and forced me to quit my job.
“He then locked me in our flat on most days and I was only allowed out when he was with me. He inspected the house when he returned from work and felt the bed for warm spots as he was constantly afraid that I was cheating on him. He was a master at interrogation and would go on for hours. If he was dissatisfied, an argument would ensue which rapidly grew into a violent attack on me. I was constantly walking on egg shells and afraid of him and he slowly eroded my whole being and I felt I was becoming a mental vegetable.
“John wanted a child and it was not long before I became pregnant. However, I managed to escape from him for a short while and obtained some comfort and support from my family but after begging me for months I agreed to return to him, by now heavily pregnant. It was not long however before the beatings began again, including kicking me in the stomach and risking the life of our unborn child. I resolved that I had to escape him and managed to do so again.”
The Protection of the Law?
But the suffering of the protective mother is far from ended. There then begins the harassment and continuing interference in her life, using the children as a means to do so.
It is unfortunate that the Family Law, which altruistically sought to give reasonable fathers a continuing and an active part in their children’s lives, has been a gift for the sociopath to continue to exert domination and control over his former partner and children. Although the sociopath may not have had a ‘meaningful relationship’ with his children in their past lives together and does not honestly want one in the future, he insists on this as his right under law as it provides him with the opportunity to continue to abuse his former partner and the children.
This usually involves avoiding payment of child support or paying inadequate amounts at infrequent intervals. Then he plays petty games at contact arrangements, such as returning the children late or in a dishevelled state. He abuses his former partner in phone calls and makes continuing unreasonable demands for more time with the children, although when the children are with him for staying contact, they are left with his new partner and he spends little time with them. He uses the Courts and its officials to enforce his rights if his former partner refuses to comply with the contact arrangements as a consequence of his behaviours. This has resulted in some protective mothers losing custody of their children and even being imprisoned and the children being placed with the sociopath father, to endure unwitnessed further abuse.
It has also led to the deaths of several hundred children, killed by their sociopath fathers, and many mothers and other relatives have also been killed. In 2005 in New South Wales, one of Australia’s six States, 117 children suffered unnatural deaths at the hands of their parents and 74 intimate partners were killed. On occasions the sociopath father has taken his own life with those of his former partner and children.
It is to be hoped that society and Courts are able to more easily identify such sociopaths in the future and thereby provide the necessary protections for children and their mothers.
Tags: Access, Antisocial Personality Disorder, Child deaths, Domestic abuse, Parental Alienation Syndrome, Sociopath fathers
July 4th, 2009 at 2:38 pm
Brilliant Article.
Oh if only the so called professional social workers, Cafcass, psychologists, judges etc would listen to Charles.
Charles has listened and learned and “tuned” to service users, whereas the court officials go by what some soa called experts have programmed them to believe is true.
The Patriarchal system is so used to blaming mothers and women for all its woes, that it fails to look at each case individually.
Protective mothers have been demonised for thousands of years and in that timespan violence has been rewarded by the court system, thus leading to a society full of violence, as our children see the Patriarch’s acceptance of it and failure to stop it.
July 4th, 2009 at 5:12 pm
It is unfortunate that the article only talks about men in these terms as there are very many women who are sociopathic along with the many other conditions mentioned.
August 16th, 2009 at 2:27 pm
Finally an article that recognizes what so many women and children are suffering at the hands of these men.
My question is: How easy is it for a qualified psychiatrist to determine if someone is indeed a sociopath? Especially as they are without emotions, remorse, able to put on a charming front and even able to fool a lie detector test. My sister is dealing with such a man and the Court may have him tested - but can he fool the examiners? I ask because I am trying to determine whether we should take the risk of having him tested. A ‘normal’ assessment could be very damaging to our case.
Thank you for your help,
Linda
September 1st, 2009 at 2:19 pm
No, Paul Randle-Jolliffe, women are not the same as the sociopathic fathers I have described. Their personalities and emotional reactions are quite different. Even reading a simplistic comparison of the genders such as `Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus’ will clearly demonstrate that.
October 1st, 2009 at 12:39 pm
There is so much more to all of this, and as per usual you get the pathetic misogynistic response of Paul Randle-Jolliffe. From my point of view this type of response from a male would lead to wonder about sociopathic credentials. There is definitely an ‘agenda of entitlement’ in their need to denigrate and control women, and that comes through in his response, as it does in many men who have misogynistic tendencies. The response of ‘poor me, she is responsible for all that is wrong with the world’ is an underlying thread in the thinking of these types of men. Unfortunately there is an underlying misogynism in our whole society. it goes back a long way, and the reason courts and most of the population out there who are only too ready to condemn a woman to further suffering is because this underlying thread in the psyche is very slow to be identified individually or collectively, thus continuing on the pain suffered by these women and their children. The worst part of it is that the girls are trained both by their abused, submissive, complying mothers to accept that what they saw (role modelling) as children from their father to the mother is normal behaviour, and is carried through into their own relationships, thus allowing them to seek out unconsciously, males who will continue on the familiar role for them, until by the time they have children of their own and in need of protecting their lives and futures from the predatory father, they take long slow painful, dangerous steps to extract themselves from it. I know, I am now 62 and have spent my life since 16 trying to work out what happened to me and getting out from under. I now have to remove myself from some of my children whom my ex uses mercilessly to blame me for everything that has happened, even though these children suffered badly. It is like the Stockholm Syndrome. The children who have been frightened most of their lives but learned because of their mother’s denial to also deny it themselves, but because there was so much manipulation and control in the family dynamic, that is also how they survive. It is a disaster of major proportions, and even in reasonably normal families, there is still an element of this misogynism that permeates the family and keeps the idea of the female who is responsible for all the evil and bad in the world going. Unless the world, including the experts who should know better by now, start really getting serious about exposing these men, we are going to have continuing abuse in families for hundreds of years to come. That will entail weeding out those individuals in courts etc who have an agenda of ensuring that this doesn’t happen to ensure the status quo is maintained.
October 1st, 2009 at 11:18 pm
You have described my life! Last time we were in court the judge described me as having psychological repungency (for my ex) disguised as a kind and caring parent! Why do the professionals not see it when they are clearly intimidated by the sociopaths themselves!
October 4th, 2009 at 9:12 pm
Hi, I feel truly sick reading this article as it confirms by belief that my child’s father is a sociopath. I am desparately trying to find the equivalent of the author living in the UK for some advice and possible witness for court. CAN ANYBODY HELP?
November 1st, 2009 at 3:41 pm
Charles, your article shocked me as it accurately described the father of my child. I am in need of guidance on how to manage him. I would be very grateful if you could email me or refer me to someone with experience in this area who I can talk to.
November 7th, 2009 at 3:56 am
after reading this at nearly 3.00am after another awful week with my ex - I can finally gain stenght to walk away. My child is already under social work supervision, my ex two children were both on the child protection register - due to him saying their mother was an alcholic - the woman never drank until she was 32. Today he had one of his daugheters call the police on me - knowing that now another report regarding my child will go to social services. All this time he made me feel it was me - even moving back to his ex wifes this week - i believed it was pmt, my personalitly - reading this has given me the strenght to be be strong and put me and my daughter first - he displays every classic symptom of a sociopath with an anitisocial personalilty disorder. When i first met him his wife has a serious restrianing order against him - he had spent 3 months in prison for assulting her new partner - the police have never been away from my door - and he calls them - I now have the knowledge to see what this was all about - so thankyou for everyone who contributed above.
November 9th, 2009 at 3:10 pm
excellant reading. it was like you were describing my step father. unfortunately my mother never left him, even after i told her, hed been abusing me since the age of 7. at the age of 35 i realised that you dont have to have these people in your lives anymore. although it ment my son losing a granny. it was the best thing ive ever done. empowerment to women and there children. we need articles like these in magazines and on the television. where normal women can realize, that it is not them that are the problem, but the sociapath that they are living with.
December 24th, 2009 at 6:56 am
SOCIOPATH ARE DANGEROUS TO YOUR HEALTH. IT HAS BEEN 13 YEARS SINCE I GAINED ENOUGH COURAGE TO LEAVE MY EX AFTER 20 YEARS OF DRUNKEN BELTINGS. HE HAD BEEN MANIPULATING MY CHILDREN FOR A VERY LONG TIME BY RIDICULING EVERYTHING I DID AND PLAYING ME AGAINST THE CHILDREN ALL OF WHOM I WAS EXTREMELY CLOSE TO. WHILE I WAS MARRIED. SOCIOPATHS ARE EXTREMELY JEALOUS PEOPLE AND NOW I SEE THE TRAITS IN MY CHILDREN BECOMING MORE PROMINENT AND THEY HAVE CEASED ALL CONTACT WITH ME. HE IS A SKILLED LIAR AND A CONMAN, HE NEARLY SENT MY FATHER BANKRUPT AND SLOWLY ALIENATED ME FROM MY FAMILY. HE HAD AFFAIRS WITH MY SISTER AND 4 OTHER SO-CALLED CLOSE GIRLFRIENDS. I AM COMPLETELY ALONE NOW. HE WAS MY FIRST BOYFRIEND AND HE BACAME EXTREMELY WEALTHY OWNING MULTI-MILLION DOLLAR PROPERTIES IN MANY TOWNS. A COMMERCIAL PROPERTY HOUSING EVERY MAJOR BANK IN THE COUNTRY PLUS GOVT BODIES. HE HAS BOUGHT 4 HOMES SURROUNDING ME TWO OF WHICH ARE HOUSED BY HIS GIRLFRIENDS. AND EVERYONE THINKS HE IS A GREAT GUY…….
HOW DOES ONE PICK THEMSELVES UP AND START LIFE OVER AGAIN IN A NEW STATE WITH NO FAMILIAR FACES AND NO BUSINESS ACUMEN’S AT 50 YEARS OF AGE. NOT A DAY GOES BY WITHOUT A TEAR SHED AND MY SONS JUST DISMISS THAT I EXIST. THEY ALL WORK FOR THEIR FATHER AND HE BUYS THEM TOP OF THE RANGE BMW ETC. CAN ANYONE HELP ME WITH SUGGESTIONS?
December 26th, 2009 at 12:08 pm
Dear Mr Pragnell
Your article relates to exactly what is happening to me right now. I was with a man who fits the sociopathic profile entirely. I have never really got away from him, having resigned myself to his control, having no strength, nothing left in me, not even caring really. That is until I had my twin girls, now aged 4. And there was no way on earth I was EVER going to leave him on his own with them. Which is why when he came “to see the girls” I allowed him to do whatever he wanted to me, didn’t care, just wanted to ensure he was not alone with my girls. I ceased contact upon receiving a phone call from his wife, neither of us were aware of eachother before and she only found out about me upon his leaving her when a CSA letter arrived relating to two other children whom she knew nothing of. We maintained contact for 2 1/2 years until September this year, the reason I think will become apparent as you read on. When I ceased contact, he took me all the way through the court procedures until there was nothing I could do to prevent him from being on his own with my girls. That happened in Feb 09 and so began my deterioration in mental health. As I had not reported or told anyone anything that happened to me (I did not believe anyone would ever believe me, at times thinking there was something wrong with me as he kept saying there was), I thought there was nothing I could do. My mental health deteriorated to the point that I was referred to the psychiatric unit of my local A&E where i found out that they may be something I could still do to prevent him from being anywhere near my girls. And that was to make a statement of the past, of what happened. I was then referred to my local mental health team whom i have been with ever since and have been diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder in August 09 relating to the abuse I had suffered. Still suffering. In making my statement, I had to relive the years of suffering - I had blocked it all out, concentrating on being the perfect mother as Sally the person had pretty much died long ago because of him - I think this is how I survived him. My statement was filed, he had until 27th November to respond to my schedule of allegations. Nothing was heard from him - to the point where I thought “ok, to him the court game is game over and so now he will come after me”. I have got into place everything I can to make my home safe, I have panic alarms, the works. Even getting into the grey area of parental responsiblilty, working out how to word a will so that even if he did kill me he would never get near my girls. Now that has all changed.
On 20th December, my solicitors informed me that he has 6-7 witnesses - to what I have no idea as he isolated me for the whole time - he will not disclose who the witnesses are despite being requested to do so, he has demanded access to my medical records and he has still yet to respond to my statement. Further mind games set out to destroy me. I knew that my making a statement would “blow his mind”, little old me standing up to a man like him - he is a professional businessman who acts for very big and crooked people indeeed. And I knew he would set out to destroy me. Going back to his wife, at the September hearing in the family court was the first time he heard of my allegations - I saw the red blotches start on his neck which is always a sign of his anger. When he heard that the judge had given permission for his wife to make a statement in support of my case, that’s when the twitching started and then I knew he was very very angry. And I have heard of nothing from her ever since.
So it is me against him and that is a very big scary prospect indeed but one i have to do for my girls. And I know him - he is a classic sociopath and I know how convincing he is - in earlier years he even made my mum and dad believe there was something wrong with me and that it was him who was trying to help me, to put me right. And he put me through hell.
There is a hearing date set on 15th January 2010 which is likely to be postponed which is probably a blessing for me as it gives me more time to prepare for what feels like the biggest battle of my life. I have researched intensely and your article is the most relevant to me. I have to prove in court that he is a sociopath - this is the only way I can ensure his removal of parental responsibility. And of course that is going to be extremely difficult to say the least. Which is why i am writing to you - your article is so relevant to me and I am pleading with you for your help in any way you can. Anything to help me stand up to this man in court and prove the truth. Please please, could you please help me. My gorgeous girls can never be allowed near this man, he would destroy them, especially now I have “stood up to him”. I am desperate for any help I can get for the biggest and most important battle of my life. Please will you help me?
Yours,
Sally Haskey
March 3rd, 2010 at 1:19 am
I am sat here, fearful again, left wondering, knowing the father of my child is a sociopath but still with the guilt of me having my child with a sociopath. I am confused, scared, baffled, needing normality again, just wanting to move on, but this man wont leave us alone.
He is taking me to court under all the counts above, no proof, no evidence, only, “i must have lied for doctors, health vistors, social services for them to give the advice they have”
I know it is madness, I know he is wrong, but he is playing on the very thing that makes us mothers, or just good people, and that is we feel love and kindness, and with that we feel guilt and regret and take the blame as we think we could have done something different to prevent this situation. Although, again, reality tells ust…no we couldn’t.
What the hell do I do, how do I make a good life for my self..I left myself with 3 options
A - Leave, dont tell him where I am, change our names and start over
Consequence - Guilt so bad I know I will give in, for the sake of my child having a father.
B - Keep on fighting for the “Ideal” - That he is not really a Sociopath and soon he will release his grip, if only I could prove to him..whatever that impossible task is.
Consequence - The same situation will go on forever, only our child will now be embroiled in it, I will be left witht he Mon and Fri visits, he will offer his millionaire lifestyle to my child and he will ultimately destroy our lives of all love and security.
C - Stand strong, I have legail advivce, medical advice and all proffessional telling me to only give supervised visits, that are little but often.
Consequence - Sat here, feeling crap, worried still of his next move, as these men play the long game and will always outwit you because when we are thinking logically and with love, they are playing only to win.
Blimey, bloody hell, and ohhhhhh….can someone tell me if, when, and at what point does this kind of harrassment, so much of which I have not said, become unlawful, how do I prove that someone is a sociopath without sounding crazy myself? How do you deal with this mess withouth getting your children involved?
Sorry for goin on and on..any advice would be so greatly accepted.
March 3rd, 2010 at 1:21 am
PS..When I said ony monday and friday visits, that is what he is going to court for me to have with my child…
April 3rd, 2010 at 8:07 am
Thank you for this article. It makes for excellent reading. I’m convinced the father of my child is a sociopath. I believe he has already been diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, something which he told me he’d been diagnosed with 2 years ago, but one he now denies in court. We are yet to subpoena the psychiatrists case notes.
While this article gives an example of a sociopath that has overtly committed violence and other offences against their partner, my X runs under the radar. Already a Child Protection Services report, I’m told, puts forward that the father presented well, and nothing like he was portrayed to be. The flip-side of this, is that the report is likely to contain words that effectively damage my credibility. I don’t have access to this report and find it incredulous that a report about my family is not allowed to be viewed by me.
The one time he was outright violent towards me (other than shaken fists, death-stares and verbal threats of ‘do as I say, or else I’ll do this’ when he swung his arm and fist so hard and fast that if it had connected it would have broken my jaw. So, the end result is while there’s no reports of his overt violence towards me or our daughter, and while he continues to charm and persuade professionals that he’s charming and I’m simply exaggerating, or rather “out to get him” as he commonly states, I’m the only one who knows what he is capable of doing. He’s a sociopath that operates under the radar.
The real fear I have is that he will attain the amount of unsupervised contact he wants via the court system, which is 50/50. His strategy when he gets angry (which was almost everyday when we were together) was to walk away. But he will not have that luxury when in the house alone with a small child. If our child riles him enough, ( and it doesn’t take much, believe me) he won’t be able to just walk away and lock himself in the computer room while a young child is left alone elsewhere in the home. If he considers himself “provoked” enough, he’ll lash out furiously. This is my biggest fear. That if he gets several consecutive days alone with his child, and he gets pissed off, he’s likely to pick that child up and throw it against the wall, or across the room. Or just pummel the child’s body until he has expended his anger and distress.
What then? A visit to the hospital, or heaven forbid, a visit to the morgue!
Only then, it seems, will the people involved in this whole family court atrocity stop minimising my concerns, agreeing with him that I am indeed unwell myself, and believing that he’s really quite sweet, charming, somewhat vulnerable individual who’s X is treating him badly and that he’s really the victim in all this.
Even then, given the amount of lies in his affidavits, which are in almost every paragraph, they may still not really believe he’s capable of ‘lashing out’ at anybody. I mean, after all, he’s described himself as a ‘laid-back, go with the flow’ type of guy. Nothing could be further from the truth.
I view the future of my child’s mental health and physical well-being with trepidation. Already my lawyer has advised it’s likely to be a case of “hand over the child and see how long before he hangs himself” . Good lord! The best interests of the child include this type of attitude? I’m astounded.
Thanks for reading.
Muriel
April 19th, 2010 at 1:41 am
It is unfortunate that Coralie Clarke should use “pathetic misogynistic response” as the response to my post immediately seeking to denigate my contribution, I married a sociopath and my only entitlement agenda is to live a peaceful life and the same for my children.
Coralie are you saying all women are perfect and all men are all impefect, I have studied widely and know there are differences between Men and Women, many more and deeper than Mars and Venus.
May 10th, 2010 at 11:25 am
Thank you to everyone for your comments, information, and advice. I am proposing to revise the article in the light of these and other comments. I shall attempt to respond to the questions, points and comments made so far.
Catherine Sara : The Patriarchal social systems of Western societies do promote and encourage the behaviours of sociopathic males, who can be the ruthless and brutal leaders and their battlefield heroes in wartime. See for example the conflicts which followed the breakup of Yugoslavia in recent times and the ethnic conflicts which followed. Sociopaths are capable of outstanding deeds of great `heroism’ in wartime as they do not experience fear as an emotional experience. Such males see themselves as perfect incarnations and above any form of criticism or correction.
The narcissism therefore is not so much in their physical persona as in their unquestionable certainty that they are `Always Right’ in their beliefs and values and that everyone else must see the world as they see it and accept them as the fount of all wisdom and truth.
Paul Randolph-Joliffe : As I made clear at the beginning of my article, the contents are based on over four-and-a-half decades of personal experiences in working with children and families and the information and evidence provided by colleagues and many hundreds of mothers and children. I would have to say in all that time and with the numerous people I have come into contact with I have never encountered a female who exhibited the same types of behaviour. Obviously your experiences have been different when you claim that `there are very many women who are sociopathic’ but I can find no evidence in personal testimonies of any males in that time, that there are any similarities in the behaviours of females within their own families, nor evidence of the destructive consequences of such behaviour. Certainly there are females who have psychotic conditions whereby they are extremely harmful to others, such as Myra Hindley and Beverly Allitt, but their harmfulness was directed against strangers. Their psychosis probably originated as a neurotic condition brought about by an emotionless and unloved early experience in child hood which then developed into a psychotic condition. Mary Bell was a classic example of this if you read Gitta Sereny’s book on the subject. But such harmfulness seems to be the exception rather than the rule which you imply.
Linda Darghous : Yes it is possible to determine if someone is a sociopath but it commonly occurs only when they are in some kind of custodial setting such as a prison or secure mental facility, as with Ian Brady (Moors murderer) and Peter Sutcliffe (Yorkshire Ripper). In the normal course of their clinical examination it is frequently apparent that psychiatrists are unable to make a diagnosis of sociopathic condition as sociopaths can maintain their cloak of `normality’ during such examinations and there are no immediate independent witnesses to their behaviours, such as prison staff and nurses. Sociopaths gain great delight and satisfaction in their ability to fool psychiatrists, lawyers, police, and the Courts.
Coralie Clarke : You are right that there is so much more to this and it certainly warrants much more psychological research into the behaviours and conduct of sociopaths. The beliefs and values of sociopathic males is not so much misogynistic (i.e. a hatred of females) as much as a belief that they and children and often other males, are `non-beings’ whose only purpose is to serve the needs and be used by the sociopath. Hatred involves an emotion of which they are incapable of experiencing, as they are of love and affection, although they can cleverly mimic such emotions. But their mental processes are strictly and solely cognitive, and highly distorted form of cognitive understanding.
I would agree with your comment about the misogyny in western societies and which is taught by the major religions of the West and Middle East, and their denigrating attitudes and approaches towards the treatment of women and their subservience and subjugations to the male will. All of those religions are led and controlled by males and represent the male value system. Again it is primarily concerned with power and control over the weak and vulnerable and defenceless and particularly the control over female’s reproductive abilities (contraception and abortion doctrines) and the licence to abuse children entrusted to their care. I.e. the abuse of children by Catholic priests.
Shelly : The behaviour and conduct of sociopaths (psychopaths) was well known to professionals in the middle of the last century and many were placed in mental institutions during late adolescence, however because their condition is untreatable the psychiatrists argued for their release as they were unnecessarily taking up hospital beds. Psychiatrists argued that they should be subjected to criminal laws for offences they may commit, rather than be institutionalised for their mental condition. The Mental Health laws were changed accordingly although they still include an element of sociopathy (psychopathy).
T.J. : The only possible expert witness to bring the Court’s attention to these matters is a psychiatrist with knowledge and experience of diagnosing sociopathy. Such experts may be hard to find today.
Natalie: Sociopaths cannot be `managed’ except by some form of incarceration to protect their victims or a means by which society can identify them and be aware of their dangerousness, in the same way that paedophiles are now placed on National Registers. The sociopath will always out-think, out-scheme, and out-manoeuvre any attempts, even by knowledgeable professionals, police, and Courts, to control their behaviours – always remember they believe they are always right and will not tolerate any disagreement. Getting their own way by whatever means is the only game they play and they delight in winning and showing they are `right’. They have no insight into their behaviours or the harm they might cause. Even an apology (“I’m so sorry and I’ll never do it again”) is a part of the game to enable them to regain control over their victims before there is a return to their previous behaviours.
Laura : Sociopaths will NEVER accept responsibility for their actions and will always blame someone else, usually their victims – (“Well you made me do it to you”.) The classic excuse is to blame the victim in rape crimes. (“She led me on”. She was asking for it dressed like that!”).
It looks like all the red flags were there before you engaged in a relationship with him. That is not unusual. Females tend to disregard them and believe they will change once they are in a relationship and particularly when they have children – they don’t and are incapable of doing so. I have met several females who had relationships with as many as four males who turned out to be sociopathic. The sociopaths target females who are kind and understanding and caring because such females believe that love and kindness will `cure’ them It wont!.
Societal institutions such as the legal system and the professions are not protecting females and children from sociopaths, so females must move to protect themselves by recognising and acting on the Red Flags before the relationship develops any further. As Jane say later in these comments, “You don’t have to have these people in your lives anymore” – a very wise and appropriate statement.
Jane : I agree that more must be known and made known about the destructiveness and harm being done in our societies by sociopaths. Not only the domestic violence and intra-familial terrorism but in street violence, murders, destruction of other people’s property etc etc. They must be isolated from the general population and no excuse accepted for their conduct. (It was the drink what did it, Your Honour.!”. – No it wasn’t the drink, the alcohol only reduced your inhibitions and controls over your destructive and damaging natural instincts). A start can be made by giving copies of my article to lawyers, Judges, social workers, and even friends who are interested as a point of discussion – I would not pretend to have complete knowledge and wisdom on this subject but what I have said can be a starting point to inform, educate, and debate the issues, rather than the deafening silence which currently exists and the evasion of the reality of the consequences of ignoring sociopathic behaviours.
Elle : I am so deeply sorry at what has happened to you. Tragically the same and worse has happened to many of the females who have corresponded with me and I have known in the past and present. All I can say is to believe in yourself, in your skills and talents, your capacity to love, and above all use your innate tenacity, perseverance, and determination to create a new life for yourself.
Sally : Your case is a classic example of the many hundreds of such cases I have been involved in. If you contact the Website administrators I’m sure they will send any correspondence on to me.
Family Courts are upholding the rights of fathers to contact with their children as absolutely paramount no matter what they may have done to their former partners or indeed to the children. Even convicted paedophiles are being given contact, visitation, and in some cases residency of children by Family Courts. Court-Ordered child abuse is now the rule rather than the exception and I have recently been told by a leading barrister that “Courts will excuse any form of behaviour by a father but will not tolerate a mother with attitude”.
In consequence I would advise you to be prepared to support the father having contact, preferably strictly supervised or they will label you as `implacably hostile’ to the father’s rights to contact and may ultimately remove your children into his care. Yes that has happened with alarming frequency in Family Courts in Australia, the U.K., the U.S.A., and Canada.
However take the position that it is unfortunate that the father is seeking to prolong the domestic dispute into the Courts and that you only wish to seek to cooperate with him, but that your major concern is to protect your children from any continuing harm by him. That you do not wish to continue to be in dispute with him, if he would only work cooperatively in the best interests of the children.
He is seeking to continue to have power and control over you and the children and by engaging in dispute with him enables him to continue towards this end. He believes absolutely that he must win at all costs and you must all be subjugated to his will.
Xausted: Option C is the only realistic option. You are not to blame so rid yourself of any guilt, nor have you any chance of changing him. As you say, his game is all about winning, by any means fair or foul. But always appear cooperative and willing to work with him. He will of course resort to devious and cunning tactics, some of which you have already outlined. But persevere. You will continue to push and press for his rights so it will be a long and hard struggle so you must have determination and tenacity. It seems as though you have the statutory services in support of you so use them to the utmost, even if it means subpoenaing them and their evidence. Keep them with you ~ they may not always be willing to help but they’re your best supportive evidence.
Muriel: Most sociopaths operate under the radar and do not overtly attract attention to themselves, except to fooling a lot of people that they are a `good’ person.
You must subpoena that psychiatric report ~ its the best evidence you have, and should be followed up with a request for him to have a new assessment with particular attention to sociopathy and his dangerousness.
Oh yes, sociopaths are immensely skilled at playing the victim. It is their classic ruse to attract sympathy and support.
He will attain at least unsupervised contact as the Courts are overtly sympathetic to these `poor badly done by caring Dads’. The FR groups have done a good job in promoting this image with Courts, and lawyers, and Court Reporters and they all believe this story.
The reality is that the `Good Dads’ settle these matters amicably or in mediation by acting reasonably and responsibly and accepting their responsibilities as well as their rights. They constitute the 70% of separated fathers. It is the 30% who demand that matters go to Courts who are, by definition, not prepared to be re4asdonable and responsible where their children are concerned and want to use the Courts to continue to assert their power and control over females and children.
June 12th, 2010 at 2:52 am
I was married to a sociopath for 23 years, and never knew it until we went through a divorce; I realize now that I made him look good; that the signs and symptons were there, but masked by my “normal” lifestlye. He had no regard for his children; he gambled away our life savings and my children have since shared their stories of his abuse to them when I was not home. I see so clearly now… the superficial charm; the lack of connection to his family; the selfish behaviors and indulgence in his own personal needs before the needs of his family; the gambling, discovered sexual behaviors, and the lack of guilt or responsibility for any behaviors during the divorce process. If I could help one person - I would tell you to run at the first sign or gut feeling that the man you are with is more about him than you and your family. Had I done that, my boys and I would not be faced with such financial devastation. Regardless of that- now we know the deceit and damage is over…. but if I listened to my “gut” my boys and I would be in a better place financially. Listen to your gut and your heart….and get out… no matter how long or what your situation is. Life is better on the otherside of this, and no one should live with the pain of the sociopathic behaviors. Get out!
June 13th, 2010 at 9:41 am
Having read your article l am more than ever convinced that my daughter’s ex partner is a classic sciopath, and a very clever one at that.
We have learnt recently form a court ordered Psychiatric evaluation ( but arranged by his solicitor) that He has a history of drug, alcohol abuse and violent behaviour since he was at school, but his parents have denied that he has an ongoing problem, stating that he is so much better than he used to be !.
It is now four years since my daughter had the courage to leave him after an incident that involved his mother (he hit her full force in the face) his father called the police and he was arrested for assualt and crimminal damage ( he kicked in two doors to get to my daughter and her premature son), it took four large policemen to put him in the van such was his aggression, but his parents withdrew the charge ! they now deny that this ever happened.
Sadly, he is still waging his own private war against my daughter, he always knows when she goes out, when her car was written off and how, and even in the past ten days since he learnt that she was moving back into the house that they had joint tenancy on ( he has told both the psychiatrist and housing that he is now livining with his new fiance and her children) he along with his father, younger brother, and some of his equally violent friends have forced entry to this house, the locks having been damaged and changed, the inside of the house has been trashed and the smell inside is very pungent, it made grown men (Policemen) ask for the windows to be opened.
The local neighbours, ladies, have along with my daughter scrubbed the house from top to bottom, and the filthy dirty carpets removed, the lady from SOCCO told them that the pink staining underneath the carpet was from coming into contact with drugs, they have even painted what will be my grandsons bedroom, but that has not stopped this man from his frightening campaign, he and his family have even used threatening and intimidating tatics on the neighbours, and yet when they are visited by the police and social services ( he recently hit his son across the face, both he and his parents told my grandson that this was a secret and not to tell his mummy) he comes across as a most charming personable young man, who is the victim in all this, and that my daughter must move on and accept that it is over !! it has got to the point that the so called family support worker has told my daughter that she must stop frabricating things about him, and that the recent hair strand drug tests do not prove that he is still using drugs ( he tested positive for Coccaine) despite shaving his head hair against the courts directive.
I have tried to find an independant psychiatrists who have expertise in Personality disorders to ask the court to order him to undergo a second evaluation, but this time with a specialist that they choose, not his solicitor.
I must add that he is only allowed to see his son on supervised visits, normally at a contact centre or more recently under the supervision of his parents at their house, unfortunately this is where his father hit his now four year old son around the face.
Can you tell me what else we can do to prove that this man is not safe, we know what he is capable of and how manipulative and charming he can be, why is it that others cannot see through his charade, even last week he sent the police round late in the evening to ask my daughter for the keys to the house so that he can move his things back in !! as he has already told the housing assocaition that he is not leaving and that he has even started decorating ! this is all lies.
I pointed out to the two policemen that we had been expecting a visit, as my daughters ex will manipulate even the police to carry out his harrasment of my family. When will people in authority ever wake up to this type of Domestic Violence and deal with it appropriately.
June 18th, 2010 at 11:48 pm
I note that you have disagreed with a reader regarding sociopathic attributes in women. But I have been doing a lot of research on this kind of disordered personality due to having to deal with a neighbour who has targeted me, and she displays behaviours which are consistent with her having a sociopathic disorder.
I have also worked in care fields for most of my adult life, including employment in a secure mental health unit, and have a lot of experience of working with people from varied backgrounds, and with varying mental health issues.
I’m a bit worried about your reference to “Men are From Mars.” I don’t think this can be used as a reference point for normal behaviour unless the person in question has a brain and psyche which functions in the correct way.
Women can be sociopathic as well, and there are women who have killed their children for revenge and in a final act of control over their partners and ex partners, who are the loving parents in that scenario.
There is a huge problem in that most of the research on sociopathic behaviour has been carried out on male prisoners, and far less has been carried out on females, although there is at least some research now. Female sociopaths don’t have quite as shallow emotions as male sociopaths, and are slightly less likely to carry out violent attacks, preferring to use manipulation deception and charm. But there are similarities, in that they are callous, have no empathy for fellow humans, and view the rest of the population as fair prey. It could actually be argued that female sociopaths are even more dangerous, as their tactics are often more stealthy and even harder to detect than those of male sociopaths.
Your article is hugely informatitive, but it’s not accurate to depict this as a purely male infliction. Female sociopaths already find it easier to con police and courts than their male counterparts, so the presence of this behaviour in women should also be highlighted.
June 20th, 2010 at 5:24 pm
This is a brilliant article and some of the comments left here are heartbreaking. But what do you do if you are the mother of a sociopath. Knowing there is nothing that can be done to help that person and also being vitimised in the same way as his ex-partners - do you also walk away?
June 28th, 2010 at 10:50 pm
As a male victim of a sociopathic woman (who fits your description
of a sociopath exactly: no relationship with her family, controlling
and violent behaviour towards my friends and my family, and superficial
charm turning into violence at a moment’s notice), I find this article
very informative.
I agree fully with Maureen when she states that “Listen to your gut
and your heart….and get out… no matter how long or what your situation
is.” I put up with violent physical abuse for months.
When I finally realised that my daughter’s life was at risk, I left
the house with her and we moved into a safe place. I haven’t seen my
abusive ex since and looking back at it, I can only wonder why I put up
with it for so long.
When you are abused however, your natural decision-making abilities
are shaken so badly that you can hardly make any choice for yourself at
all. You cannot picture or visualize life without your abuser. Your
self-esteem is annihilated.
I would say to anybody out there (man or woman) in an abusive
relationship: keep your friends and family close. Your abuser will
seek to destroy your support network in order to achieve full and total
control of your life, until the only person you can turn to is her/him.
Sadly, I have witnessed many of my friends (male and female) to go
through this kind of abuse, and I have found that the best thing you can
do as a friend is to listen and be as emotionally supportive as you
can. Often, direct criticism of the abuser will lead the victim to
defend the abuser and push them even further from help.
On the issue of male victims of female sociopaths, male victims have
traditionally been reluctant to “come out”, because of the intense
social stigma that is associated with being beaten up or abused by a
woman. Men are scared to be seen as weak, and are afraid of ridicule,
even by their friends. Fortunately, this type of thinking is now being
challenged. This is partially a result of governmental recognition of
female-initiated domestic violence.
According to Woman’s Aid, 25% of women will be victims of domestic
violence.
According to ONS, 1 out of 3 victims of domestic violence is a man.
In the UK only, with population of 65 million, the above mean that over 8
million women will be victims of domestic violence in their lifetimes.
This also means that over 4 million men will suffer the same fate at
the hands of women.
It is time that we put an end to this. Abuse and Domestic violence must stop.
Full stop.
July 7th, 2010 at 12:52 pm
dear charles’
Thank you, Thank you, Thank you..I could go on.. I have recently attended the final hearing in the family courts. I was brought up with my parents mantra, “tell the truth and you’ll be fine”. I went into court and told the truth, i told how when I met my ex he was charm personified, but when we moved in together, and then I became pregnant, he changed..seconds after I told him we were expecting a child. He would ask for a certain meal to be made for him and then beat me insisting he’d asked for something else, he would constantly put me down in every way, he would constantly tell me my family hated me and he was the only one I could rely on. When our son was born, he put his hand over his mouth and pushed down because he was crying. I tried to stop him, he punched me and I fell against the wardrobe and then onto the floor. I got up and tried again, it was then that I saw our son was blue, I thought I’d lost him, my ex must have seen it too because he walked out, got in his car and sped off. As soon as he took his hand away our son took a deep breath and then screamed a scream that I am still having nightmares about 16 years later. Of course I contacted my health visitor, who came round to the house, but by then fear of repercussions had taken over and all I could manage was, “his dad’s got a terrible temper”. This remark was ignored,and so when my ex returned he was full of remorse, promising it would never happen again,I gave him another chance.Suffocation didn’t but the punching,hitting, kicking,personal put downs and raping did. All but the raping also happened to our son. Ten years and five misscarriages later we had another son, by this time my older son was copying his father’s behaviour, not just by bullying me but also bullying girls in his class, this came to a head after I realised that it was never going to change when he hit our youngest so hard he left bruises from the bottom of his back to his knee. He repeated the words one last time, they only cry to annoy me…I left with the boys. My eldest got immesurably worse when we moved into rented accomadation, attacking my youngest as well as myself.He always said, “dad does it, so I can do it”, I organised three seperate anger management courses for my son, as well as a councillor and he also had a counsiller in school who I kept in touch with, I then tried a group of councillors who worked together to bring families back together, all to no avail, so in desperation I called the social services to ask for some help but they said that my youngest was a child in need, and as such needed to be taken into care. My parents got involved and said than my eldest could go and live with them. The social services only agreed because my elder brother had just moved back into my parents home as they said that son’s behaviour would switch from me to my mother, which it did. My brother is a big lad,and is a regular at the local gym, he also won’t allow anyone to hurt mum and so my son was told in no uncertain terms to desist. He then moved into his fathers house and is now estranged from me. I thought that the courts would see sense when my ex insisted on contact, but to my amazement I found that CAFCASS, the Social Services, and a psychologist, who was labelled an expert witness all lied and all withheld evidence which prooved my ex to be dangerous. In fact it was I who was labelled the hideous creature from the black lagoon, it was I who was labelled a child abuser, “this child is subject to extreme emotional abuse by the mother by her marginalisation of the father”. He was given unsupervised contact and now my youngest, who was an angel, (even the courts said the mother and child have a very close bond, which we did) is hitting, kicking, swearing and saying things like, I want to live with dad, he said he’d get me a quad bike if I go and live with him”. When asked why he is mistreating me he says, “dad tells me to do it”. My youngest is under a child psychologist because he has nightmares of his dad and brother’s abuse, he also wets the bed. I am currently recovering under the wing of a fabulous pscychiatrist from PTSD…the last rape and beating were particulary nasty. I do not understand why he is waking up screaming that his dad/brother are attacking him/me and then return from contact saying dads an angel and your the devil. I also don’t understand why my eldest hates me so much as we were very close when he was little. There was a time that when either one of us was being attacked the other one would step in to help. He told me one day, when we were still talking, that dads told me that he only hit me because you told him to do it, he seems to have completly forgotten all the times I threw myself on top of him to protect him from his fathers blows. Can you explain this to me…? I also want to point out to anyone who has not been subject to domestic abuse, These men wave their magic wands, which in my case was a bl**dy big stick and hey presto you transform from a bubbly, upbeat, happy individual to a shadow of your former self, depressed and completly dis-empowered. And yes I do look back and am filled with guilt,and yes I have cried buckets over it but I have to keep telling myself, you were a mouse then,he made you a mouse, I am no longer a mouse. Please can I have permission to use your articles in my uni assignment, they really are invaluable to my work so far. I am writing about the abuses in family court proceedings. PLEASE!!
July 17th, 2010 at 9:04 am
Charles, thank you very much for your reply. Since writing, there has been an ICL assigned to our case, and the ICL has deemed any psychiatric sessions or reports from 2006 as irrelevant and are not to be subpoaened. About 6 weeks ago we all had to attend for a Family Assessment, which came about when he became aggressive and verbally abusive to a court mediator (I had opted to attend by phone), while I can see that he did this to ensure the court process continued to maximise costs to me, his display of “poor impulse control” and “emotional regulation” has pretty much been ignored throughout the court process so far. However, the Family Assessor, who’s report I received just this week, stipulates that he must undergo a full psychiatric assessment and it is to be reported back to the Family Assessor, and then submitted to the court before there should be any consideration for the child to spend “more” time with him. I wasn’t aware that I had any power or say in how or what the assessment will test for. All I can do is request through my lawyer that it would be wise for them to test for sociopathy. However, my lawyer and everyone else in the pathetic system is already considering that he’s a “hard done by father who is only trying to do his best.” My lawyer appears to have difficulty understanding my concerns, or at least interpreting them so that she can be effective in the “family law system”.
Reading through the response however, it is validating to realise that I am not alone in my experiences.
Thanks again for all your help.
July 17th, 2010 at 9:04 am
that is supposed to read “emotional dysregulation”
July 17th, 2010 at 3:39 pm
Maureen ~ there are a number of things you can do. Firstly may I suggest and commend you read a recently published book titled, ~ ‘Beware the Red Flag Man’ by Jane Cole Bertrand. It is subtitled what mothers wish their daughters could know. You could perhaps order a copy through your public library.
Jane Bertrand describes more lucidly the sociopath in relationships when she states,
“What is a Red Flag Man?
That is a very important question—one that every woman needs answered before settling down in a relationship. A Red Flag Man is a seemingly handsome, confident, and innocent man as he charms you. When in reality, he is manipulative, controlling, selfish, and deceitful. When selecting a lifetime partner, every woman needs to know the warning signs of a Red Flag Man, and she needs the personal strength to make a wise choice. She needs to be aware of a Red Flag Man’s serious seen and unseen character flaws and to understand how a woman is affected emotionally, physically, and mentally by such a man.”
Hopefully as more people become aware of such sociopaths, they can be more readily identified before they can cause too much harm. It is my view that there should be a National Register of Violent Offenders which would include such sociopaths who commit domestic violence, then everyone would be aware of their dangerousness, as we are aware of paedophiles.
Louise ~ I would not disagree that some females exhibit the behaviours of sociopathic males, but in my experience they have themselves been abused, conditioned, and groomed from early childhood by a sociopathic male and have adopted those behaviours as a method of survival and functioning. i.e. they are socially conditioned in their behaviours. Or they have come under the control and influence of a sociopathic male, as in the case of Myra Hindley and Ian Brady. A thorough study of that relationship would have been extremely enlightening to social scientists. A similar study of Beverly Allitt would also have been very revealing ~ unfortunately everyone was misled into believing she had Munchausen Syndrome By Proxy although the Court rejected this contention.
Angie ~ I can fully understand your anguish, heartache, and torment. However, there is no capacity for emotion, affection, sympathy or empathy only a capacity to cleverly mimic those emotions for convenience, then it cannot be implanted or taught. Ther only possibility is that in middle age, some sociopaths seem to burn out, and they become mere shells.
Anger Management Courses and Cognitive Behaviour Therapy have no effect on sociopaths as they merely play the game, and find great amusement in having deceived the therapists but then more cleverly disguise their violent activities. Perhaps increasing the verbal and mental violence and reducing the physical violence.
Tom Nygren ~ Thank you for your contribution. It has added to my knowledge and I shall seek to increase my knowledge from other sources and look for further corroborative evidence to support your account. In your circumstances perhaps you may wish to avail yourself of Jane Bertrand’s book and give us your views from an abused male perspective.
I would add to your statistical information that two females die every week in the U.K. as a direct consequence of domestic violence and in the State of Victoria Australia, death following domestic violence is now the major cause of deaths of females aged between 18 years and 44 years. Even greater than deaths from breast and lung cancer, heart disease etc.
Muriel ~ those are interesting developments. Court Reporters and ICLs very rarely understand and acknowledge mental health issues, as they similarly lack knowledge of the nature and extent of domestic violence and the methods by which parents abuse their children. Yet they frequently submit reports that such violence and abuse has not occurred and claim that the violence is overstated and the disclosures of abuse by children have been coached. They are often thereby collusive and complicit in the further abuse which invariably occurs and in some cases results in the deaths of children.
If the psychiatric assessment is conducted thoroughly and extensively, it should indicate Anti-Social Personality Disorder. Sadly, some psychiatrists complete such assessments in a mere fifteen minute office interview.
August 26th, 2010 at 9:06 pm
Dear Charles,
How refreshing to read someone who has such a clear understanding. I think some of these men are peverse narcisistes, apparently all psychopaths are PN’s but not all PN’s are psychopaths, but their vengeance when their victim escapes is terrible. I would like to know how I can help one of my children - my youngest who is now often violent as soon as he is in the slightest way annoyed by a
simple request - such as doing his homework. We were caught up in a terrible situation trying to get away from their father who managed to install a climate of terrible violence - the usual. I would also like to know if and when the vengeance will stop - harassment in private life is not considered a crime in France and is of course almost possible to prove, in addition to the fact that of course it
makes me look like a crazy housewife - which is of course the object. My children and I have suffered terribly but without anything being really apparent - so clever is the NP that of course it systematically appears that I am “the crazy one”. Do they ever stop? How do they tend to behave with their children when the children are older and understand “what they are like and capable of” ? I am very worried about our future which the NP never seems to tire of compromising. Do people who are clearly ill actually realise that when they seek to distress and harm a mother the children are inevitably affected. I tell me children not to ‘upset’ their father as I worry about what could happen as even the slightest remark seems to lead to some sort of vengeance. I would be very interested in your opinion of how one can possible cope, and help one’s children. I fear that permanent damage has been done especially to my yongest child. Of course their father is slick and glib and comes over as an innocent victim - the usual and he is very convincing. I think I would be dead by now if I had stayed having miraculously survived several potential intended ‘domestic accident incidents’ which of course creates tremendous intimidation and fear. I would love to have your thoughts on how to help. Unfortunately France seems to be very behind with being educated about situations like this. Do you think that ultimately my children would in the long run have suffered less had I died in one of those ‘incidents’? Sometimes I wonder - his violence is psychological with domestic abuse, but I am sure he loves his children or perhaps he has a dual personality - it’s so impossible to understand. Thank you in advance.