Sociopath Fathers : The ‘Charming’ Killers
Wednesday, July 1st, 2009 by Charles PragnellThis article has been composed largely from my professional experiences over many years in child protection work and child/family advocacy, from the contributions of professional colleagues, and from the personal testimonies of mothers and children who have been subjected to domestic violence and abuse.
The sociopath is referred to in psychiatric terms as having Antisocial Personality Disorder, which is characterised by an individual’s common disregard for social rules, norms, and cultural codes, as well as impulsive behaviour and a complete indifference to the rights and feelings of others. This condition is included in the American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual and in the World Health Organisation’s ICD10.
However, the problems presented by the sociopath tend to be mostly social problems rather than symptoms of mental illness or criminal behaviours, although these are not excluded in some sociopaths. It is estimated that 3% of the male population are sociopaths and they inhabit all walks of life, from business and commerce where their ruthlessness can make them highly successful, in politics where their absence of empathy can enable them to be elective autocrats with a capacity for corruption and callousness, in organised crime often involving drug dealing, and in many other professions.
What Sociopaths are Like
They view the rules and expectations of society regarding acceptable behaviours as inconvenient and unreasonable and impediments to their inclinations and intentions. They are extremely adept at ‘sailing close to the wind’ in avoiding lawbreaking or detection if they do break the law. Although the sociopath is extremely adept at evading detection for criminal behaviour, studies have shown that 47% have a significant arrest record and it is reasonably estimated that up to 25% of the prison population have sociopathic traits.
Sociopaths can be identified in adolescence or even earlier. Children who regularly engage in arson, vandalism, consistent lying, theft, aggression towards others, and the torturing of animals are showing the early tendencies and signs of sociopathy and they are indifferent to parental punishment and pain. “It doesn’t hurt” is often their response and this truly reflects their response and it is accompanied by an absence of any form of remorse for their behaviours.
They are self-centred, narcissistic individuals who are impulsive, manipulative, and consistently untruthful. As sociopaths grow into adulthood they often engage in alcohol and drug abuse and this serves to exacerbate their behaviours and conduct towards others, and they can show extreme violence towards others when under the influence of alcohol or drugs, yet blame the drink or drugs for their actions. They tend to disregard driving laws and requirements for vehicle registration and insurance as of no consequence. They also engage in violence towards their partner in a relationship and on occasions towards their children as they know their offences will be difficult to detect and prosecute.
Jekyll and Hyde
Yet despite such behaviours, the sociopath adopts an alter ego when with significant others. They are extremely charming, of a calm and collected disposition, and very plausible and persuasive. They can have a group of close friends and even neighbours who consider them to be very friendly and a ‘good bloke’ and will be well thought of at the local pub or club. Such friends and associates find it difficult to believe that such a person could possibly be violent towards a partner or their children. This ‘Jekyll and Hyde’ personality is often referred to by professionals and by partners who have experienced the violence.
In cases of partner violence or child abuse, this dual personality is often clearly apparent and the plausible, manipulative personality enables them to persuade gullible Court officials, lawyers and even Judges, that they are innocent of the abusive behaviours alleged by their children or the violence alleged by the former partner. The sociopath father can be extremely adept at ‘playing victim’ in court processes, accusing the mother of obsessive concerns for a sick child or of actually making the child ill (Fabricated and Induced Illness in Children), or of not ensuring that the child engages in a ‘meaningful’ relationship with the father, when in fact the child has protested loudly that s/he does not want any contact.
The use of Parental Alienation Syndrome has proved to be a highly effective tool for sociopaths to use in disputed court proceedings regarding the custody and contact with children, as they can so readily engage in deception and fabrication, distortion and embellishment of facts regarding events and actions. They are adept at attracting the sympathy of Court officials and lawyers and using them to gain what they see as their rights. Some sociopaths also appear to have infiltrated the Father’s Rights Groups in some countries, where they have been able to bring influence to further enable their domination and control over females.
The sociopath is an emotional shell, with no capacity to feel the pain of others and words only have meaning in so far as they persuade and manipulate others to the sociopath’s views. Feelings and emotions are non-existent but the sociopath is often able to cleverly mimic such emotions when needed and in ways which will deceive the observer into believing they are true emotions.
The Victims’ View
Protective mothers and partners who have experienced domestic violence have frequently described the onset of such attacks. “I see it in his eyes”, they say. It is beyond hatred and is a ‘demonic stare’. “I know then that I’m in for a beating”. Violent attacks are often followed by pleas of forgiveness which have the appearance of remorse and regret, although the sociopath does not take responsibility for his conduct but blames anything or anyone he can. “It was the drink”, he says or even blames his victim for behaving in a particular way.
In early courtship, female partners have been persuaded by the charming person in the sociopath and only rarely have they seen the violent potential. However, they soon experienced the possessiveness and jealousy of the sociopath and unfounded accusations of infidelity.
The goal of the sociopath father is to attain complete domination and control over his female partner and his means are to create fear, isolation, and total dependency. He seeks to take total control over his victim and will use any means possible to do so. Critical and abusive words and actions are the most common means. Then he isolates his victim from her family and friends and uses financial controls to limit her movements and decrease her self esteem. He systematically destroys her feelings of self-worth, dignity, and security.
If his female victim threatens to leave him, he will often threaten to kill her and their children if she were to do so, and warns her that she will never be safe for the rest of her life. This gives him an immense hold over his female partner but eventually the situation becomes so intolerable, she finally escapes.
A Young Mother Writes
“I was 21 years old and a free spirit when I first met John. He was handsome, well spoken, and very charming and soon after our first date, our relationship became serious and we were inseparable. I was oblivious to the red flags that were coming my way because he made me feel good and he was good at mind games - controlling my movements, jealous over past lovers and any other man I was acquainted with.
“He slowly began to strip me of my self-esteem, telling me my clothes were too revealing, that my make-up was done to impress other men rather than him. He’d suddenly stop the car and scream and shout at me and spit in my face, testing for my reactions and saying it was all my fault, never his. However, I stayed with him because I loved him and believed I could help him to change his behaviours. The physical violence began a week after he moved in with me. It started as a slap followed by gushing apologies and promises that it would never happen again.
“Then it began occurring more regularly and I was slapped, punched, bitten, strangled to the point of unconsciousness, spat on, pinched, kicked, yelled at, and chased around the streets. But all this was done behind closed doors or away from our neighbourhood because John wanted to be seen as a ‘nice guy’ by his friends and our neighbours. He made me cut all ties with my family and friends back home, and forced me to quit my job.
“He then locked me in our flat on most days and I was only allowed out when he was with me. He inspected the house when he returned from work and felt the bed for warm spots as he was constantly afraid that I was cheating on him. He was a master at interrogation and would go on for hours. If he was dissatisfied, an argument would ensue which rapidly grew into a violent attack on me. I was constantly walking on egg shells and afraid of him and he slowly eroded my whole being and I felt I was becoming a mental vegetable.
“John wanted a child and it was not long before I became pregnant. However, I managed to escape from him for a short while and obtained some comfort and support from my family but after begging me for months I agreed to return to him, by now heavily pregnant. It was not long however before the beatings began again, including kicking me in the stomach and risking the life of our unborn child. I resolved that I had to escape him and managed to do so again.”
The Protection of the Law?
But the suffering of the protective mother is far from ended. There then begins the harassment and continuing interference in her life, using the children as a means to do so.
It is unfortunate that the Family Law, which altruistically sought to give reasonable fathers a continuing and an active part in their children’s lives, has been a gift for the sociopath to continue to exert domination and control over his former partner and children. Although the sociopath may not have had a ‘meaningful relationship’ with his children in their past lives together and does not honestly want one in the future, he insists on this as his right under law as it provides him with the opportunity to continue to abuse his former partner and the children.
This usually involves avoiding payment of child support or paying inadequate amounts at infrequent intervals. Then he plays petty games at contact arrangements, such as returning the children late or in a dishevelled state. He abuses his former partner in phone calls and makes continuing unreasonable demands for more time with the children, although when the children are with him for staying contact, they are left with his new partner and he spends little time with them. He uses the Courts and its officials to enforce his rights if his former partner refuses to comply with the contact arrangements as a consequence of his behaviours. This has resulted in some protective mothers losing custody of their children and even being imprisoned and the children being placed with the sociopath father, to endure unwitnessed further abuse.
It has also led to the deaths of several hundred children, killed by their sociopath fathers, and many mothers and other relatives have also been killed. In 2005 in New South Wales, one of Australia’s six States, 117 children suffered unnatural deaths at the hands of their parents and 74 intimate partners were killed. On occasions the sociopath father has taken his own life with those of his former partner and children.
It is to be hoped that society and Courts are able to more easily identify such sociopaths in the future and thereby provide the necessary protections for children and their mothers.
Tags: Access, Antisocial Personality Disorder, Child deaths, Domestic abuse, Parental Alienation Syndrome, Sociopath fathers
July 4th, 2009 at 2:38 pm
Brilliant Article.
Oh if only the so called professional social workers, Cafcass, psychologists, judges etc would listen to Charles.
Charles has listened and learned and “tuned” to service users, whereas the court officials go by what some soa called experts have programmed them to believe is true.
The Patriarchal system is so used to blaming mothers and women for all its woes, that it fails to look at each case individually.
Protective mothers have been demonised for thousands of years and in that timespan violence has been rewarded by the court system, thus leading to a society full of violence, as our children see the Patriarch’s acceptance of it and failure to stop it.
July 4th, 2009 at 5:12 pm
It is unfortunate that the article only talks about men in these terms as there are very many women who are sociopathic along with the many other conditions mentioned.
August 16th, 2009 at 2:27 pm
Finally an article that recognizes what so many women and children are suffering at the hands of these men.
My question is: How easy is it for a qualified psychiatrist to determine if someone is indeed a sociopath? Especially as they are without emotions, remorse, able to put on a charming front and even able to fool a lie detector test. My sister is dealing with such a man and the Court may have him tested - but can he fool the examiners? I ask because I am trying to determine whether we should take the risk of having him tested. A ‘normal’ assessment could be very damaging to our case.
Thank you for your help,
Linda
September 1st, 2009 at 2:19 pm
No, Paul Randle-Jolliffe, women are not the same as the sociopathic fathers I have described. Their personalities and emotional reactions are quite different. Even reading a simplistic comparison of the genders such as `Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus’ will clearly demonstrate that.
October 1st, 2009 at 12:39 pm
There is so much more to all of this, and as per usual you get the pathetic misogynistic response of Paul Randle-Jolliffe. From my point of view this type of response from a male would lead to wonder about sociopathic credentials. There is definitely an ‘agenda of entitlement’ in their need to denigrate and control women, and that comes through in his response, as it does in many men who have misogynistic tendencies. The response of ‘poor me, she is responsible for all that is wrong with the world’ is an underlying thread in the thinking of these types of men. Unfortunately there is an underlying misogynism in our whole society. it goes back a long way, and the reason courts and most of the population out there who are only too ready to condemn a woman to further suffering is because this underlying thread in the psyche is very slow to be identified individually or collectively, thus continuing on the pain suffered by these women and their children. The worst part of it is that the girls are trained both by their abused, submissive, complying mothers to accept that what they saw (role modelling) as children from their father to the mother is normal behaviour, and is carried through into their own relationships, thus allowing them to seek out unconsciously, males who will continue on the familiar role for them, until by the time they have children of their own and in need of protecting their lives and futures from the predatory father, they take long slow painful, dangerous steps to extract themselves from it. I know, I am now 62 and have spent my life since 16 trying to work out what happened to me and getting out from under. I now have to remove myself from some of my children whom my ex uses mercilessly to blame me for everything that has happened, even though these children suffered badly. It is like the Stockholm Syndrome. The children who have been frightened most of their lives but learned because of their mother’s denial to also deny it themselves, but because there was so much manipulation and control in the family dynamic, that is also how they survive. It is a disaster of major proportions, and even in reasonably normal families, there is still an element of this misogynism that permeates the family and keeps the idea of the female who is responsible for all the evil and bad in the world going. Unless the world, including the experts who should know better by now, start really getting serious about exposing these men, we are going to have continuing abuse in families for hundreds of years to come. That will entail weeding out those individuals in courts etc who have an agenda of ensuring that this doesn’t happen to ensure the status quo is maintained.
October 1st, 2009 at 11:18 pm
You have described my life! Last time we were in court the judge described me as having psychological repungency (for my ex) disguised as a kind and caring parent! Why do the professionals not see it when they are clearly intimidated by the sociopaths themselves!
October 4th, 2009 at 9:12 pm
Hi, I feel truly sick reading this article as it confirms by belief that my child’s father is a sociopath. I am desparately trying to find the equivalent of the author living in the UK for some advice and possible witness for court. CAN ANYBODY HELP?
November 1st, 2009 at 3:41 pm
Charles, your article shocked me as it accurately described the father of my child. I am in need of guidance on how to manage him. I would be very grateful if you could email me or refer me to someone with experience in this area who I can talk to.
November 7th, 2009 at 3:56 am
after reading this at nearly 3.00am after another awful week with my ex - I can finally gain stenght to walk away. My child is already under social work supervision, my ex two children were both on the child protection register - due to him saying their mother was an alcholic - the woman never drank until she was 32. Today he had one of his daugheters call the police on me - knowing that now another report regarding my child will go to social services. All this time he made me feel it was me - even moving back to his ex wifes this week - i believed it was pmt, my personalitly - reading this has given me the strenght to be be strong and put me and my daughter first - he displays every classic symptom of a sociopath with an anitisocial personalilty disorder. When i first met him his wife has a serious restrianing order against him - he had spent 3 months in prison for assulting her new partner - the police have never been away from my door - and he calls them - I now have the knowledge to see what this was all about - so thankyou for everyone who contributed above.
November 9th, 2009 at 3:10 pm
excellant reading. it was like you were describing my step father. unfortunately my mother never left him, even after i told her, hed been abusing me since the age of 7. at the age of 35 i realised that you dont have to have these people in your lives anymore. although it ment my son losing a granny. it was the best thing ive ever done. empowerment to women and there children. we need articles like these in magazines and on the television. where normal women can realize, that it is not them that are the problem, but the sociapath that they are living with.
December 24th, 2009 at 6:56 am
SOCIOPATH ARE DANGEROUS TO YOUR HEALTH. IT HAS BEEN 13 YEARS SINCE I GAINED ENOUGH COURAGE TO LEAVE MY EX AFTER 20 YEARS OF DRUNKEN BELTINGS. HE HAD BEEN MANIPULATING MY CHILDREN FOR A VERY LONG TIME BY RIDICULING EVERYTHING I DID AND PLAYING ME AGAINST THE CHILDREN ALL OF WHOM I WAS EXTREMELY CLOSE TO. WHILE I WAS MARRIED. SOCIOPATHS ARE EXTREMELY JEALOUS PEOPLE AND NOW I SEE THE TRAITS IN MY CHILDREN BECOMING MORE PROMINENT AND THEY HAVE CEASED ALL CONTACT WITH ME. HE IS A SKILLED LIAR AND A CONMAN, HE NEARLY SENT MY FATHER BANKRUPT AND SLOWLY ALIENATED ME FROM MY FAMILY. HE HAD AFFAIRS WITH MY SISTER AND 4 OTHER SO-CALLED CLOSE GIRLFRIENDS. I AM COMPLETELY ALONE NOW. HE WAS MY FIRST BOYFRIEND AND HE BACAME EXTREMELY WEALTHY OWNING MULTI-MILLION DOLLAR PROPERTIES IN MANY TOWNS. A COMMERCIAL PROPERTY HOUSING EVERY MAJOR BANK IN THE COUNTRY PLUS GOVT BODIES. HE HAS BOUGHT 4 HOMES SURROUNDING ME TWO OF WHICH ARE HOUSED BY HIS GIRLFRIENDS. AND EVERYONE THINKS HE IS A GREAT GUY…….
HOW DOES ONE PICK THEMSELVES UP AND START LIFE OVER AGAIN IN A NEW STATE WITH NO FAMILIAR FACES AND NO BUSINESS ACUMEN’S AT 50 YEARS OF AGE. NOT A DAY GOES BY WITHOUT A TEAR SHED AND MY SONS JUST DISMISS THAT I EXIST. THEY ALL WORK FOR THEIR FATHER AND HE BUYS THEM TOP OF THE RANGE BMW ETC. CAN ANYONE HELP ME WITH SUGGESTIONS?
December 26th, 2009 at 12:08 pm
Dear Mr Pragnell
Your article relates to exactly what is happening to me right now. I was with a man who fits the sociopathic profile entirely. I have never really got away from him, having resigned myself to his control, having no strength, nothing left in me, not even caring really. That is until I had my twin girls, now aged 4. And there was no way on earth I was EVER going to leave him on his own with them. Which is why when he came “to see the girls” I allowed him to do whatever he wanted to me, didn’t care, just wanted to ensure he was not alone with my girls. I ceased contact upon receiving a phone call from his wife, neither of us were aware of eachother before and she only found out about me upon his leaving her when a CSA letter arrived relating to two other children whom she knew nothing of. We maintained contact for 2 1/2 years until September this year, the reason I think will become apparent as you read on. When I ceased contact, he took me all the way through the court procedures until there was nothing I could do to prevent him from being on his own with my girls. That happened in Feb 09 and so began my deterioration in mental health. As I had not reported or told anyone anything that happened to me (I did not believe anyone would ever believe me, at times thinking there was something wrong with me as he kept saying there was), I thought there was nothing I could do. My mental health deteriorated to the point that I was referred to the psychiatric unit of my local A&E where i found out that they may be something I could still do to prevent him from being anywhere near my girls. And that was to make a statement of the past, of what happened. I was then referred to my local mental health team whom i have been with ever since and have been diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder in August 09 relating to the abuse I had suffered. Still suffering. In making my statement, I had to relive the years of suffering - I had blocked it all out, concentrating on being the perfect mother as Sally the person had pretty much died long ago because of him - I think this is how I survived him. My statement was filed, he had until 27th November to respond to my schedule of allegations. Nothing was heard from him - to the point where I thought “ok, to him the court game is game over and so now he will come after me”. I have got into place everything I can to make my home safe, I have panic alarms, the works. Even getting into the grey area of parental responsiblilty, working out how to word a will so that even if he did kill me he would never get near my girls. Now that has all changed.
On 20th December, my solicitors informed me that he has 6-7 witnesses - to what I have no idea as he isolated me for the whole time - he will not disclose who the witnesses are despite being requested to do so, he has demanded access to my medical records and he has still yet to respond to my statement. Further mind games set out to destroy me. I knew that my making a statement would “blow his mind”, little old me standing up to a man like him - he is a professional businessman who acts for very big and crooked people indeeed. And I knew he would set out to destroy me. Going back to his wife, at the September hearing in the family court was the first time he heard of my allegations - I saw the red blotches start on his neck which is always a sign of his anger. When he heard that the judge had given permission for his wife to make a statement in support of my case, that’s when the twitching started and then I knew he was very very angry. And I have heard of nothing from her ever since.
So it is me against him and that is a very big scary prospect indeed but one i have to do for my girls. And I know him - he is a classic sociopath and I know how convincing he is - in earlier years he even made my mum and dad believe there was something wrong with me and that it was him who was trying to help me, to put me right. And he put me through hell.
There is a hearing date set on 15th January 2010 which is likely to be postponed which is probably a blessing for me as it gives me more time to prepare for what feels like the biggest battle of my life. I have researched intensely and your article is the most relevant to me. I have to prove in court that he is a sociopath - this is the only way I can ensure his removal of parental responsibility. And of course that is going to be extremely difficult to say the least. Which is why i am writing to you - your article is so relevant to me and I am pleading with you for your help in any way you can. Anything to help me stand up to this man in court and prove the truth. Please please, could you please help me. My gorgeous girls can never be allowed near this man, he would destroy them, especially now I have “stood up to him”. I am desperate for any help I can get for the biggest and most important battle of my life. Please will you help me?
Yours,
Sally Haskey