Adoption Stories - The pain of giving up a baby for adoption
Wednesday, March 1st, 2006The pain of giving up a baby for adoption is still raw for some mothers 50 years later, as a fascinating two-part documentary showed.
Love Child, was shown on ITV over two successive Sundays in January and was made by Testimony Films, Steve Humphries’ Bristol-based company renowned for producing oral history programmes.
In the 1950s and 1960s, the stigma of illegitimacy was such that many young women in their late teens and early 20s were more or less forced to give up their babies. They were expected to go away to mother and baby homes, and six weeks later, sign over their child to someone else. They were then expected to make a fresh start and forget the babies they gave away.
But the women featured in the programme didn’t forget. Every day, each one of them thought about the babies society wouldn’t let them keep. Some of the stories were heart-wrenching. Doreen, who went to tell her Navy boyfriend she was pregnant only to find he was already married with a family, refused point blank to sign the forms so her son Michael could be adopted. She vividly described throwing the pen across the room as officials tried to force her. Only when she was threatened with being sent to a mental institution did she finally give in.
Parental pressure during the post-war era was a tremendous influence too. Girls who got pregnant were seen to have brought shame on the family. The men involved didn’t come into it at all. Many of these women were ‘sent away’ to mother and baby homes for the duration of the pregnancy and birth, only being allowed home when the baby had been adopted.
The messages were repeated over and over. Young pregnant women were told that adoption would give their baby both a mother and a father and a home full of nice things – things that they wouldn’t be able to do. With little or no support from family or state, it was virtually impossible for a young woman with a baby to support herself financially, or find suitable accommodation.
The women who gave their babies away came across as tortured souls. Most of them were now in their 60s and 70s, but all had vivid recollections of the precious moments they were allowed to spend with their babies before they were adopted.
Though Liz knew that her baby daughter was going to be adopted, she remained heartbroken at not being allowed to say goodbye to her. Her daughter was taken from her cot by the nuns at the mother and baby home as she slept. Liz’s shock at the deviousness of this act was still palpable. Yet this was one of the stories with a happy ending. Though she went on to marry and have seven sons, Liz never forgot her daughter, praying that one day she would try and find her. That moment came when her daughter had a child of her own.
“I had to find out why it happened, why anyone could give up something as precious as the baby I had before me,” she said.
Liz and her daughter – who emigrated to Australia as a child – were happily reunited 34 years later. But not all reunions ended so well. Many mothers were desperate to find out what had happened to their children but it wasn’t until the Children Act of 1975 that children were given the right to search for their birth parents. The birth parents had to hope that their child would choose to get in touch.
The programme focused on two women who were desperate to know more about their birth mothers – both stories ended in heartache as their mothers were found, but chose to get in touch with their daughters only to tell them they didn’t want any contact.
TV antiques expert David Dickinson did manage to trace his birth mother, exchanging regular letters, photographs and phone calls. But they never did meet.
“My mother was always a little wary if I suggested I flew over to Jersey, where she lived. I would have loved to have gone over there but I sensed her reluctance, a feeling that I would disrupt her life. I didn’t want to do that but we remained in close contact, nevertheless,” he said.
The programme offered a moving insight into the experiences of these mothers and their children. It told us as much about the social and sexual upheavals of the last 50 years as it did about our basic human need – to know where we came from.
Though Love Child made thought-provoking television, the spin-off book that accompanies it offers much greater insight into the whole history of adoption in this country. The book, also called Love Child: A Memoir of Adoption, Reunion, Loss and Love by Sue Elliott (Vermilion, £14.99) chronicles the process from before the first Adoption of Children Act in 1926 upto the present day. Elliott, the author, also has her own story to tell – she was adopted as a baby in 1951 and her own experiences pepper this informative work.
September 4th, 2009 at 2:55 am
I was obliged to give my child up for adoption over 37 yrs ago, when I had just turned 15. I miss him every day. They had a refinement of the process of dealing with a pregnancy which was unwanted by the mother’s parents in the early 1970’s - you were made to care for your baby for the first 10 days. Then, the threats were brought to bear by social services “in the baby’s best interests”. Once we had really bonded, he was taken from my arms…
There will never be a day in my life which hasn’t been effected by it.
December 18th, 2009 at 12:21 pm
Hi I’m writing a book about a young Catholic girl who is forced to give up her baby son in 1958 and would very much like to speak to anyone who can give me some insight into life in a Mother and Baby home, how you were treated and how much contact you had with a social worker and how did they treat you. Thank you for any response.
March 31st, 2010 at 11:33 pm
Thanks for making the effort to speak on the subject of baby care and also children’s demands.
April 12th, 2010 at 7:14 pm
I too am struggling with the knowledge that I gave my baby away in 1972, following my exile to a Mother & Baby home in Chester, when I was 15 years old. I never wanted to part with him, never believed my parents would even consider giving our new family member away, but it did happen. According to the notes from my file which I managed to obtain all these years later it clearly states that I was fully aware and co operative in giving my child away- just 10 days after he was born!! When I managed to track my baby down at the interim Foster Home to spend much needed time with him, it was reported by the Social worker to his senior, as a ‘very crafty move indeed’. I have been in contact with my son since 2005, he has had a happy childhood, with loving adoptive parents. However, he feels ‘complete’ since meeting me and his other family, and I am so thankful I can, at least, give him that. Incidentally, my feeling of loss just keeps on deepening, and I wonder when it will end. I extend my love and support to all natural Mothers, and their children,may you find the peace you deserve.
April 19th, 2010 at 12:05 am
My mother died five years ago. I have recently been contacted by my half-brother who was given up for adoption in 1950, long before my mother met my father. I knew nothing about him and neither does my sister though apparently he was in secret contact with my mother for the last 10 years of her life. The shock has been tremendous. Most of all, I feel sad for mum, who carried this secret to her grave. I so wish she’d told us - we would have listened and supported her. In retrospect, her pensive and silent tears over the years make so much sense now, yet there’s nothing I can do and nothing I can say to help her. My sister and I have decided that we will make every effort to welcome her long-lost baby - now a 60-year-old man - into our lives yet we fear for our frail and elderly father who knows absolutely nothing about this so far. My only comfort is that my half-brother and my mother knew each other at the end of her life. That must have such a relief for her and I am happy for him too. RIP, mum, your secret is out and it doesn’t matter, we all still love you.
May 13th, 2010 at 7:25 pm
I was sent to a mother and baby home at age 16 at 5 months pregnant in 1969 as my mother was ashamed of me and what the neighbours would say. I too had to care for my son for 10 days before the social services wrenched him from my arms in the car park of the hospital. The only person with me at the time was the vicars wife who owned the home I had stayed in for the past 4 months. I was resident in the ‘home ‘ with 4 other girls and we had to wash clean and cook for a family of 6.
An hour after my baby was taken from me I travelled 2 hours alone and went to my mother in pieces and she refused to discuss anything and I had to pretend nothing had happened.
I went to visit my son in the foster home in secret, any chance to hold him and keep every precious moment. My mother tried to force me to sign the adoption papers and time after time i refused, until she stood over me until i signed them, telling me it was for the best . After all these years i do not know where he is or even if he is alive or dead. Did my punishment fit my cime? I dont think so.
May 17th, 2010 at 5:17 pm
my mum had a baby boy in the 50s my gran made here give the baby up when she was pregnant at 17 ,my mum hit the drink when my gran died and then we were told about the baby i was told his name one night and that she was sent away to have the baby so nobody knew before she met my dad.she never spoke about it again so i didnt get any more information my mum passed away 2yrs ago the baby was supposed to be born with cerebal palsy weather or not they made her believe that i dont know she stayed in glasgow i was trying to find him and ws trying to see if anyone knew what happened in glasgow in they circumstances i dont know where mum and babys were sent in the 50s i would love to find out what happened to him i know it eat away at my mum for all they years even though she didnt speak about it.
June 24th, 2010 at 12:21 pm
I found out after my mum committed suicide that she had had two children before marrying my dad. I’ve done a rough calculation and think one was born in 1965 and another in 1967. My mum was also sent to a home and was made to give her babies away. My dad wanted to adopt the second child, as he met my mum after that child’s birth, but a doctor discouraged this. I think the babies were born either in Swaziland or the Eastern Transvaal (now Mpumalanga) and adopted out to families in England. I often think of these children. I’ve also thought of trying to find them but have absolutely no idea where to begin. I remember my mum sometimes talking about two miscarriages she had before my brother and I were born. I think she had a need to talk about the babies and had never forgotten them.
July 10th, 2010 at 12:30 pm
Please stop torturing yourselves. You had no choice and your kids love you xx
August 9th, 2010 at 12:12 pm
I am trying to find a home for unmarried mother’s that was in harrow on the hill that existed in the 60s that I know is no longer there my mother as a teenager went there to have her baby and after a short time of her looking after him he was given up for adoption. He was born early July 1964 or 65. Can anyone help please? Thank you
August 29th, 2010 at 9:58 pm
I was adopted in April 1977, I have always known I was adopted and had the most fantastic childhood and blessed with the best parents I could have ever wished for, I dont know anything about my birth mother or father and I would never ask my mum or dad about them as I wouldnt want to put them through that, I dont think they would mind but I just dont want to do it to them, I have a really strong feeling that my natural mother was very young and had to give me up, I dont know for sure but I was in foster care until I was 6 weeks old, I am not angry that my mother had me adopted in fact I would love to let her now that I am thankful for that heart wrenching choice she had to make on that day in April 77 if you ever read this please dont feel bad anymore I love my family and have a wonderful time, I now have 3 children of my own and I am extremey happy in life, maybe one day I will get to tell you this face to face but I dont want to upset anyone by doing this as my natural mum may have her own family now with no knowings of me, anyway will stop waffling on and hope I everyone gets what they are looking for, love to you all xxx
August 29th, 2010 at 10:00 pm
by the way I was born in Northamptonshire on 25th April 1977 if this means anything to you plz get in touch on here x